he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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