She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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