I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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