my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize