I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
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We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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