Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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