i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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