Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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