i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize