FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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