one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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