Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize