his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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