You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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