It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize