He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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