i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
