The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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