i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
