Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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