the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
