dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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