I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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