i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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