Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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