apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize