my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize