Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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