i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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