What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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