hell yes lets make some ravioli
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
