Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
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I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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