I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
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i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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