apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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