Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize