so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize