Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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