FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
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I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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