I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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