my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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