I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
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He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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