I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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