We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
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yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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