He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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