gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
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I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
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I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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