but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
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NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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