also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
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I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
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It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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