I was born with a shot glass in my hand
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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