My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
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He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
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I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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