How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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